We interrupt your browsing for a special infomercial from T Bone’s GURPS Diner.
Hmm. Well, since we can’t run actual infomercials here, I can at least show you the script.
(Cue T Bone [TB], in cheap suit before polyester-curtained background. Flashes slick grin and points at camera.)
“GURPS gamers! Need to lay on the Leprechauns, but don’t know where to start? Do your Ogres lack oomph? Are you loving 4e’s new-found support for all creatures big and small, but frustrated by scattered rules?”
“Help is on the way! Introducing a big new game aid in a tiny package: GULLIVER Mini for GURPS 4e! “
(Cheesy video effect of a densely-typed A4 page zooming in to screen center. Add magic sparkle trail or something.)
“By POPULAR DEMAND, the old GULLIVER supplement for GURPS is ready for 4e, in a super-compact size! GULLIVER Mini is all the basics you need to build and play odd-sized critters… in ONE PAGE!”
(Cut to flabbergasted gamer, flinging hands into air in amazement. Dice and corn chips fly.)
“NO WAY! How much SHEER GAMING GOODNESS can fit into ONE PAGE?!”
(TB steps into screen from left, knocks gamer off-camera.)
“LOTS, if you squeeze it enough! Here’s what you get!”
(Scroll gaudy red bullet points over KTEL-style sunset background. Intro mood music: “The Pina Colada Song” or something.)
- ONE-STOP BASICS for creating odd-sized critters!
- Optional EXTRAS: go beyond ST, and modify agility-related stats and more for size!
- A BIG OPTION: build the effects of actual power-to-mass ratio into your design!
- IMPORTANT NOTES for gaming odd-sized combat!
- SM to hex conversion, handling low-ST damage, size and skills, and MORE!
(Horrid video effect of TB “ripping through” above screen. Add that Ally McBeal “record scratch” sound.)
“And did I say ONE PAGE? How much would you pay for that page? $9.99? $5.99? Just $0.99? Well, how about FREE?! “
(Cut to close-up profile. TB turns to camera, fans thick roll of Croatian kuna.)
“I’ll bet you’d pay TWICE that! BUT WAIT! THERE’S MORE!”
“Act now, and you’ll get a FREE BONUS PAGE, with fabulous features like these!”
(Cue Star Wars-style receding scroll, over Tae-Bo or Jazzercise workout footage. Maybe add Hampster Dance song?)
- Designer notes, including the lowdown on which bits of Mini are and aren’t “official” 4e!
- MORE creature design options!
- Design and combat examples APLENTY!
- Quick packages for INSTANT odd-sized critters!
(TB enters from left with arms outstretched, “pushing” above screen off camera in unforgivable abuse of video editing tricks.)
“All that if you ACT NOW! Or even if you act later; it DOESN’T MATTER!”
(Front close-up. Flash full 38-tooth smile.)
“And all for NO MONEY DOWN! And NO MONEY EVER!”
(Cut to gamer again, crushing phone receiver in frenzied grip.)
“Wow! I can get GULLIVER Mini for GURPS 4e, with the BONUS PAGE, all for FREE! Where are operators standing by RIGHT NOW?”
(TB steps in from left. Cindy, personal fitness trainer to the stars, steps in from right. Gamer crowded out of scene. Cindy is holding Abdomenator 3000 stomach cruncher and “30 Days to a New You” exercise video. None of this is explained. TB gives camera “gotcha” wink and finger point.)
“No call required or accepted! Just point your browser to http://www.gamesdiner.com/gulliver . Do it TODAY!”
(Final TB close-up and smile. Add big “diamond flash” effect to grillwork. Fade to white.)
